Hesitation Can Only Last So Long

Things have been busy over the past week, so I haven't had much of a chance to write. Or maybe it's that I haven't had much to write about. You would think that with a busy week (and two very eventful weekends) I would want to talk about it. But I don't know what's been up... Words just aren't coming to me lately. At least not for here.

I've been on this mental roller coaster, you see. My mind is constantly reeling. If there's one thing I've confirmed about myself, it's that I'm a devout analyzer. I can't help it. I pick things apart in my brain and sometimes I wonder where it even gets me. All this thinking, debating, figuring things out, meditation, and dreaming can sometimes be hard to put into conversational words. What would seem like such a simple human task can leave me so stuck. I can make any off-the-cuff remark about food, people, my day, my mood, this coffee, that picture. But what about the big stuff? What about life? What about my views on things? What's causing this mind-to-mouth malfunction? Maybe I'm wrong, completely... ticking myself. Maybe my problem isn't that I can't put my thoughts into words, maybe it's that I'm scared to. Maybe if I were to say how I feel, and actually hear my own truth it will be too much to take. Maybe I care too much about what other people think, though I tend to pride myself on never letting that get in the way of who I am and what I say and do. But it does. I think as humans, we just can't help that. A negative reaction from a person has its way of leaving us with such a foul taste in our mouths, and sometimes, even, saddened hearts. I think that when people are willing to say whatever it is they're thinking, unafraid of another person's reaction, un-bothered by the risk of not being understood, it tells you something significant about them. And this something can be many things, depending upon the person and their heart. Maybe it tells you they're fearless... honest... brave... in tune with themselves or others... deceptive... needy... at peace... broken... looking for answers... affirmative... curious...

What about you? Are you expressive and fearless? Or do you struggle with words from time to time like me?

I'm reluctant to post this because I think it sucks... but here goes!

You mean I have a muscle there?

I can't get over the severity of the soreness I'm experiencing today. I could barely get up out of bed to press snooze on my alarm when the increasingly loud beep sounded over and over again. Even getting back in bed- which I do every morning after I hear my alarm- was a difficult task. Instead of the usual fall into the mattress and throw the covers over my head move I do, I kept hunched over and carefully slid into a laying position, mostly curled in a ball. Straightening out my torso felt like what I imagine a cardboard box would feel like when packing tape is being ripped away from it. Ouch. That's when I realized there's a reason P90X has many success stories... and many drop outs, I'm sure. If you haven't heard of P90X, it's an at-home workout video that's probably the most intense of all at-home workouts. It blows Chuck Norris's Total Gym out of the water (and trust me, it takes a powerful force to blow anything that Chuck Norris is associated with out of the water). And it makes Winsor Pilates look about as relaxing as floating in the pool.

Okay, maybe I'm over exaggerating. After all... I've only experienced p90X three times; the last time I went for a ride on a Total Gym was in 6th grade (and we might as well have called it a Jungle Gym); and two summers ago when I decided to test my pilates skills I probably put in 50% of my effort. I did, however exert all my energy into my recent P90X workouts. And I'm feeling the effects of it today, for sure.

Monday night I went over to Shayla and Melanie's house, prepared for a great workout. P90X Ab Ripper. Shayla's been keeping up with these workouts pretty dang good for a couple of weeks now, so she knew what all to expect. I, on the other hand, didn't know what was coming. Sixteen minutes of hard core abs straight through, making for a total of 349 major muscle contractions. Now I'm sure 16 minutes doesn't sounds like any big deal, but trust me, this is no simple crunch or sit-up you're doing. The moves are challenging and even leave you breathless. Twenty-four hours later the soreness hit me. And like I said, the next morning was no easy task.

Tonight we all three got together again to do the chest and back workout, followed by more abs. Holy cow... talk about a challenge. Forty-five minutes of intense strength training exercises all in a row, which left me flat on my face at several points. By the end of the workout, I burned 469 calories according to my awesome Polar watch and heart rate monitor. And that's just from strength training! Not cardio... not running... no; push-ups, pull-ups, and other crazy weight lifting moves. No wonder P90X will get you fit. It pushes you to some serious limits!

After a lot of water and some muscle relaxation in the hot tub, we were already making plans for tomorrow's workout- Plyometrics at 6:30 in the morning! I better get some sleep... it's almost 2AM. (Typical Kate staying up way too late...) Shayla's supposed to give me a wake up call... hopefully I don't pansy out.

For Whatever Wednesdays,
Kate

A Metaphor the Missed

There's something very comforting about you. It's not hard to pin-point because it's simply your entire being. I'm never worried when I'm around you. I never feel threatened, uneasy, or scared. When I see you, I'm relieved... carefree...

For years we've heard endearments like, "Your smile lights up the room." Yet I've never witnessed the illumination of an already lit room by a simple facial expression of happiness until you came along. Beaming rays of sun penetrate through my skin, sinking deep into my bones when your heart paints a genuine smile on your face. And it is your heart that paints that smile- your wonderful, wonderful heart.

I haven't the slightest clue what goes on in that mind of yours. You were never hard to read until I made you into a book of my own. You were a mystery and I turned you into a romance. You were a novel and I made you into a chapter. You were that book I couldn't put down and now cannot open back up.

It's sad when you're not allowed to read your favorite book.

There was something perfect about a hug from you. How no matter the blistering cold, you were always toasty warm. How you always held on so long... yet never long enough. How my head could rest perfectly on your chest... and my ear would easily hear that wonderful heart of yours beating so strong.

For years we've heard the lines and lyrics about beating hearts. But never had I heard a heart beat so loud... never had I felt such a powerful pulse.

Since you've been gone I've tried to find my way. And I've taken several roads, each one unique from the other. Some are rocky and lead to peace. Some are smooth and lead to destruction. Others are backed up with stop-and-go traffic and I wonder if I will ever make my way through. Some roads are lonely... for miles and miles I'll go with out passing by a single car, or having one pass by me. And I wonder... Will I ever find that comfort again?

I'm living my life in both chaos and tranquility. Shedding both vices and virtues. And in doing so, I am swayed by the idea of you and I. I am influenced by a heart that I once knew, and controlled by the one that keeps me alive.

I've made mistakes... done stupid things. But never was I told to be perfect. Not that I seek justification for follies, but I appreciate the sacrifice of unconditional love. Love is all I have and all I can give. Hate isn't a word in my vocabulary, and I pray it's never a component of my spirit. How could it be? It's just too harsh.

But some think love is too brash.

A mystery you were and a mystery you may remain. You are a chapter of my past, yet you are a co-author of my future.

You are a wonderful, wonderful heart.

Fishy Fix

If your summer food craving can't be cured by the juicy goodness of a hot-off-the-grill hamburger or the savory combination of brisket and potato salad, freshen and lighten things up a bit with a pretty plate of hand-rolled sushi. Sushi is loaded with great-for-you ingredients that, when rolled all up together, can make for some very flavorful experiences. Since this Japanese cuisine gained its popularity in America, the simple lump of rice with a sliver of raw fish has been jazzed up with everything from zucchini to strawberries, and served up in ways that can make it look more like an artist's masterpiece than a hungry girl's lunch. If you head to the right place, you'd be surprised what many sushi chefs can create for your fishy fix.

Confetti Roll @ Piranha Killer Sushi: Fort Worth, TX

Cali Roll and Rainbow Roll @ Teriyaki Park, College Station, TX














For Tasty Tuesdays,
Kate

The Sound Sends

This past weekend I heard a familiar voice. It subtly sounded over the speakers of Boomer Jacks and instantly carried me back to my much younger days. It took me to my best friend's room, where we would rummage through C.D.s to find that perfect song. Once the delicate polycarbonate disk started spinning in the boom box, our voices united with the sound waves as we severed ourselves from reality. Imagination took over our thoughts as music videos were made, dances were choreographed, and hairbrushes served as microphones. The small, square room became a vast, lit-up stage and the illusion of an audience was locked inside the lens of a camcorder until our finished product could make its debut on our parents' TV screens. At a time when girl bands were our idols and boy bands were our crushes, music resonated with us in a completely different way than it does today. Back then, I didn't search for the deeper meaning in a song. I didn't think about the story the artist wanted to convey. The melody didn't pull at the strings of my heart and chills didn't creep through my arms and legs at the intensity of drawn-out note. My only thought about music was who it made you to the world- famous, colorful, glittery, and rich. Singing wasn't an art spurred on by the beauty of life; it was a talent used for power and recognition. Time and maturity have since changed my mind, but the songs themselves from back in those days still stick in an innocent way. The Spice Girls will always make me think of wild fashion. Ace of Base will always remind me of dancing around in the kitchen wearing my sister's costume from her dance recital. All Saints will forever take me back to the days when I wished I were older. B*Witched will always cause daydreams of floating castles and flying with umbrellas... (which today makes me question whether or not I was stoned at the age of ten...) Regardless of how absurd the memory is, the amazing thing is that it's there. And I can't get over the complexity of the human mind... how a forgotten song can suddenly come rushing back, word for word, rhyme and tune.

For Music Mondays,
Kate

To take this place and make this home

In my 3 years of college I have moved a total of 5 times, and I'm about to make my 6th move at the end of this month. The reasons behind me moving so often are various: I changed schools several times, spent a summer at home, did a summer sublease, moved in with one set of friends, then another set of friends, and now some roomies decided to experience a life lived alone, so I'm on to another great house with an amazing group of girls!

For many, the thought of moving so many times does not sound at all appealing. A lot of us like the idea of being stable, set, and secure, and our environment or living situation can play a big role in that. As for me, I enjoy change. In fact not only do I enjoy it, I crave it; I thrive off of it. Every new place is a fresh start and every new roommate is another friendship formed. I love being in a new atmosphere. I love getting to take a different route to and from school. I love re-setting up my room- my pictures get to hang on different walls, my furniture goes in a different arrangement, and every time I move I do a little something different with the decorations. It's therapeutic... and exciting.

Life has been pretty fast-paced during these college years, and I only expect it to stay that way until I do what they like to call "settle down and have a family," (and who knows how soon or how late that will come.) So until then, it's my pleasure to take advantage of living here, living there, living with this friend, living with that friend. Because when else in my life will I have the opportunity to do so? Though it doesn't have to, life might start to slow down after marriage. The house I move into with my future husband might be the house I stay in for 20 more years. You never know. I'm not saying I want my future to play out this way; I'm just saying that anything is possible. But for my life right now, I have been given a chance to have it either way. Sure, some of the moves were because of situations where I had no choice, but either way, I'm glad it's happened the way it has. It makes for great stories. It's helped me grow as an individual. It's taught me about how unique we all are as human beings. My dad always told me "You'll never really know someone until you live with them," and I never realized until these past few years just how true that is. I've learned so many things about many of my friends and the way they "tick," and I fully embrace and appreciate each one of them for being just who they are- even if their personalities are the complete opposite of my own.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12:3-8

I'm really looking forward to all my future moves. I see Austin somewhere up ahead, with vivid colors and eclectic artwork, an old creaking house, and shows every weekend. I see Colorado somewhere in the future, with a cozy cabin, a roaring fire, a wine cellar and adventure. But wherever the Lord takes me or keeps me, I will, in the words of Sherwood, "take this place and make this home."

For Whatever Wednesdays,
Kate

Subway Do's and Don'ts

Do: take advantage of the 5-dollar footlong offer. You can eat one half for lunch then the other half for dinner, and relish in the fact that you only spent $2.50 for each meal!

Don't: get your sandwich toasted if you plan on doing the previous option.

Do: try the honey oat bread. It's quite tasty and has the highest amount of fiber (5 grams) out of all the breads to choose from.

Don't: order a pizza. This is a sub shop, not a pizzeria. You're wasting your money.

Do: try a salad. Okay, I know I just said it's a sub shop, but their salads are awesome because you get to build your own and they're actually really filling! (And better for you than pizza... duh.)

Don't: ask for extra olives. Me and Jacy decided they will over-power the flavor of your sammy.

Do: treat yourself to a cookie every once in a while. Especially if they're fresh. My recommendation: oatmeal raisin.

Don't: eat too fast. Subway is delicious and should be savored.

Do: give their breakfast sandwiches a try. Most of them are in the 400-500 calorie range which is a great amount to start your day off with, especially if you're active!

Don't: get ranch unless your taste buds really just can't handle any other dressing. One serving (2 oz) is 320 calories... that's more than the salad itself!

Do: try the sweet onion sauce. It's meant to go on the Sweet Onion Chicken but it's really good on turkey or ham, or as a salad dressing.

Don't: forget to make it a meal. Apples and yogurt! Apples and yogurt!

Do: eat fresh. It's Subway... how could you not?

Old School Still Rocks

I'm way excited... Sugar Ray is touring! And they are coming to The House of Blues in Dallas on August 23rd! I'm so there.

People give me a hard time for being a Sugar Ray fan in year 2009, but that's because they don't know my story behind why I'm a fan. (And maybe it's also because they don't appreciate the great sounds of the 90s.) The reason for my fandom is nothing too personal to share, but it is "personal" in a sense. It's also silly and cheesy, which honestly might be why I'll refrain from sharing it on here. (It would really make for a boring story... I promise.)

Sugar Ray's sound incorporates sugary-sweet pop arrangements with subtle alternative rock infusions. They remind me of summer. They're up-beat and easy on the ears. Perfect for a day at the beach or a drive with the windows down. They just released their new album entitled Music for Cougars. I'm interested to know just what type of cougar they are referring to...
Their last album came out 6 years ago! I'm always interested in knowing the story behind why bands split up/take a break then decide to get back together. I like to think that in Sugar Ray's case it's because they knew they had a fan out there named Kate who was really wanting them to come back around. I must find a way to express my gratitude... maybe I'll throw a sleazy pair of undies on stage at the concert. (Heh heh... no.) My 17-dollar ticket and singing along should do just fine.

Aimee Allen and Fastball will be performing with them as well. Aimee is a funky, tatted-up chick with a pretty unique sound and, according to my sister, an interesting story. Supposedly, an attack by several gang members outside her recording studio late one night caused Aimee to slip into a post-traumatic spiral, which eventually became the influential catalyst that has brought her music- and her spirits- to higher ground today. I haven't listened to much of her stuff yet, but I think she might become one of the few female artists I like. Fastball, formed out of Austin, TX, might ring a bell when you hear the lyrics "where were they going without ever knowing the way." This one-hit-wonder seemed to crank through many pop radio stations in the mid- to late-nineties, but for many listeners (myself included) the band's name just didn't stick in our mental rolodex.

Anywho, besides that... I've discovered the electric tranquility of Owl City and got a free download of their song "Fireflies" from iTunes. Cute and corny lyrics, but definitely catchy! Also, my Dad gave me his iPod Shuffle since I lost my iPod. Although it doesn't hold nearly as many songs as I have downloaded, I'm thankful to have it serving as my interim music buddy.

Expect a detailed review of Sugar Ray, Fastball, and Aimee Allen on Monday, August 24th!

For Music Mondays,
Kate

A good cup of joe, plus a little extra

I like to come here when I'm headed home. A little place off I-35 that has some of the most delicious drinks; a cozy, eclectic atmosphere; a great backyard venue; and some sweet unfamiliar but comforting tunes playing over the front-room speakers. The temperature inside is perfect and the aroma of coffee beans is never overbearing. The baristas are always friendly, and if I might add, fun to look at. There's always someone working behind the counter rocking an off-beat indie style, or someone who is just so stinkin' cute! So of course this ads to the allure of the shop. From the mismatching furniture and fabrics to the scrolling iron on the doors and walls, Common Grounds in Waco, Texas is a very inviting place and will always remain a favorite of mine. On this morning's trip, I ordered "The Irish Stew." Espresso, soy milk, Irish cream, and their "secret sauce" all mixed and poured over ice makes for a savory treat that's sure to cure your sweet tooth. Yum-E!

I headed home today to celebrate my dad's 62nd birthday/retirement. After my quick stop in Waco my day went as follows:
drove 65 mph on I-35 northbound
listened to 102.1 the edge
met Dad at subway
split a 5 dollar foot-long (chicken bacon ranch on honey oat)
talked about death (wow... happy birthday to you)
talked about life
went to my hair appointment
got my hair dyed by Amanda
talked about haunted places
talked about writing
talked about a lady who brought a ruler to the salon to show Amanda what she meant by 2"
sat for almost an hour while a fairly new girl did my blow-dry
got very internally frustrated
prayed for God to give me patience
chatted with Fairly New Girl about boyfriends
learned that Fairly New Girl has had a kinda rough life
decided I was glad Fairly New Girl did my blow-dry
rushed home, frenzied (but didn't speed...)
put my hair in a pony, frenzied
decided Amanda did a great job on my color
took a deep breath
took Dad to meet up with Mom and sister at Posado's
tried to not let it slip that a few other family members would be there as a surprise
shared in the surprise
caught up with cousin
ate soft chicken tacos
caught up with aunt
ate chocolate cake
videoed Dad singing "Happy Birthday" to himself
took pictures of Dad cutting his own cake
decided that when your 62 you just gotta do the celebratory part yourself
rode home with Dad
talked about commercials with puppies
talked about beer
talked about how I mispronounce words such as "tour," (which I pronounce as tore); "confiscate," (which I pronounce as con-fin-skate); and "espresso" (which I pronounce as ex-presso)
decided Dad's little surprise was a great success and was glad we got to visit with family

I'm looking forward to being here this weekend so I can spend time with the parentals, ride my bike along the Trinity, shop for a pair or sweet high heels, hopefully see a few missed friends, sit in a new spot to do my deep thinking, and who knows what else. Much is on my agenda... all things fun and grand! I hope you enjoy your weekend as well, and may the Lord send blessings your way!

For Fun Fridays,
Kate

Satisfaction in Christ

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17

Gazing at herself in the full-length mirror, Audry let out a sigh of satisfaction followed by a smile that lit up her eyes. This is the one, she thought as she closely examined how her body looked in the eighth swim suit she picked out to try on. The lights in the fitting room created a soft glow. She did a turn to the left and looked over her shoulder. She turned to the right and looked down her legs. Straightening up, she placed her hands o her hips and rolled her shoulders back- chin held high. Alright! I look good! And in knowing she looked good, she felt good. A week at the beach. Many days at the pool. A trip to the river. Sand volleyball at night. Hot tubs. Boys. Boating on the lake. More boys. Audry definitely got use out of that perfect swim suit. But the summer came and went...

As Charlie's boss stood up and reached out his hand over the cold glass desk, he said with pleasure, "You've got the promotion." Charlie shook his boss's hand firmly, and with that solid grip came such a fluid relief. He knew what this promotion would mean for him- a chance to prove to his family that he's worth something... good at something. A chance to finally buy the car he'd always wanted. A chance to feel better accomplished at his 10 year reunion. Charlie's promotion gave him a sense of value that he's never had before. Maybe NOW I can snag a girlfriend...

Tabitha was breathing harder than she ever had before. Sweat was pouring down her forehead and into her eyes. Her legs were strong, but the fight in her heart was stronger. Win. Win. Push. Push. Don't give up. Keep going, Tabi. You cannot lose. You cannot lose. Her bike was a part of her body. Its wheels were circular extensions of her legs. She could see the finish line like a mirage in the distance on the hot paved road. Closer and closer, her heart was pounding. Suddenly, cheers filled the air and the pressure was off. Tabitha finished first place- an accomplishment she'd dreamed of the past 5 years she'd been training. Years of work for a day of victory...

In the passage, John is speaking to us about satisfaction and how to conform your life to the will of God instead of the expectations of the world. As human beings with deep emotions, a longing for both peace and excitement, and a desire for worth, we often base our decisions off whether or not our choices and actions will leave us or those around us satisfied. We "love" (care for, nurture, protect, spend time with, meditate on, desire) the things that we think will ultimately fill us. We conform our lives to others around us and even those we don't even know. We are influenced by the media, controlled by the economy, and find pleasure in any single moment of self-aggrandizing glory. But John repetitively makes one thing clear... do not love what is worldly. By "worldly" he means desires of the flesh; that which keeps us from the will and truth of God and leads to a path of moral or spiritual destruction. I don't believe there is a set list of "things to avoid" in order to follow the command before us. Every person has different struggles and certain things will temp or harm one person that might not tempt or harm another. It's a matter of allowing the Lord to show you where you fall. Letting him open your eyes so you can see the sin in your life. It's a matter of knowing the difference between that which is holy and that which is vile. I've heard for years now, "You are IN this world but not OF it." Set apart by Jesus Christ. I am supposedly different. I am not called to be a chameleon who blends in. I am called out of the darkness and into the light- to live according to the will of God. Unfortunately, this is easy to say, harder to do. I am tempted each day. I fail each day. My eyes see only what is before me because that is what's easy. I am the girl in the mirror. I am the man with the raise. I am the one crossing the finish line. But will I choose to find my worth in this? Will this be where I gain my satisfaction? At the end of this life, my body will rot and only my soul will remain. How beautiful will me heart look? At the end of this life, the money I earned will not define the person I became or the accomplishments I made. Who will I have helped along the way besides myself? At the end of this life, it wont matter if I was first, second, twenty first, or last. Will I not have always been first to God? If He is first to me.

"the cravings of sinful man- the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does..." This is worldliness. Will you chose to let it control you? Satisfy you? Define you? Defeat you?

"This passage, then, is a manifestation of the Johannine dualism. One loves either God or the world. This theme echoes throughout Scripture. The first commandment is "You shall have no other gods before me." Joshua commanded the children of Israel to "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. . . . As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" (24:15). Jesus warned, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money" (Mt 6:24). And now the author of 1 John, like his master Jesus, reminds people that there can be only one allegiance, one loyalty, which shapes all that we are and do. There is no way to play both ends against the middle. The commands of this passage are to be heard both as an invitation to serve God and, for those who have heard and responded to such an invitation, as an exhortation to continue to make that response daily." (Biblegateway.com)

For Theological Thursdays,
Kate